Day 2 March 30 9PM

My last post was rather long, so I’ve decided to keep this one shorter. I’ll begin with the highs of my day, touch on the one low, and end with final thoughts.

Making Connections and the Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction does not depend on my or anyone’s belief to exist. So I’m behaving as if it does; although I have yet to gather enough evidence to believe that it does. I do however have faith that it does. Today I happened upon three people that I believe has something to do with the change in my outlook and the shadow-work I did this morning.

First, one of my daughter’s kindergarten classmate’s mother approached on the train platform. She didn’t speak English, so we conversed in Japanese. I was in an open enough space to enjoy the conversation and be fully present. The mother began opening up to me about how difficult childbirth was for her. She had complications that lead to a C-section, and she also suffered from severe postpartum depression. I was touched by her story because both my children were born early, and I had emergency C-sections for both my pregnancies. It was the first time I had had a conversation about the pain that comes with not only being robbed of the chance to carry your babies to term, but also the trauma involved in being cut. The conversation ended when the train arrived and we went our separate ways. I asked myself if I should pursue her after I arrived at the station, and when I asked the question (“What would someone who loved themselves do? hereafter referred to as the question), the answer was No. I was at peace with that. Perhaps we were only meant to connect for that brief moment.

When I transferred to the next train, I ran into an old and dear friend. We caught up on the train, and he has since sent me an email invited my family and me to lunch at his place. We hadn’t spoke in almost a year, so I am excited we will be able to reconnect.

When I got to work, my closest friend, who has just gone on maternity leave and recently gave birth to a baby boy, came to the office to turn in some paperwork. I was so happy to see her. I had wanted her home address, so I could bring over some hot meals for her and her husband. She and her husband are expats like my husband and I, they are both far from family, so I wanted to reach out to them and help them in any way that I could. I was hoping I could get her information from our mutual friend that day, but he surprised me with the wonderful news that she would be in the office.

This might be the Law of Attraction working in my life. I am so grateful to those people who have made connections with me, and who value my friendship as much as I value theirs.

An Opportunity for More Shadow-work

So, this morning before I left for work, I visited Teal’s website. I read the section on the 365 Days of Self-Love and I noticed there were comments. Normally, I don’t leave comments for fear of ridicule and rejection. But this time when I asked the question, the answer was “Leave a comment.” So I did and went to work. Before leaving, I checked the website again to see if anyone had replied. My comment was not there. I felt dejected.

The pit of my stomach fell, and I felt as if someone had distinguished the light within me. My first instinct was to talk myself out of it, but to do such a thing would be self-abandonment, so I sat with the feeling. I walked down the hill to the station, with the thought in my mind. I asked the question and the answer was a gentle, “Cry.” I have a hard time letting myself cry, so I could not, but I stayed with the feeling. There is a stream that goes along the road leading to the train station, so I stopped and walked along the stream. I saw a beautiful white crane. I stopped to admire its white feathers, its long graceful neck, and its thin black legs. I watched as it nimbly rooted around the brush on the river bank. I decided to go closer to the river, remembering Teal saying that water is the closest to Source energy. I allowed myself to sit by the water. As I gazed into the cool, clear water, and listened to the gurgling stream, I felt grateful for this opportunity. Obviously the feeling I felt was a mirror of a childhood trauma. I will focus on this feeling for tonight’s shadow work. Now, thanks to that experience, I can reintegrate another part of my emotional body. The Law of Attraction working yet again, perhaps.

Final Thoughts

It’s still really early in this process, and I have had my doubts. My usual negative thoughts have bubbled to the surface–feelings of worthlessness and fears of failure and public humiliation compel me to run and hide, give up this endeavor and just admit that this is an elaborate game I am playing with myself. But when I ask the question, the answer is “Press on.” And so, I press on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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