Today’s shadow work lead to a change in one of my most fundamental core beliefs.
However, this morning when I finished the shadow work, I didn’t feel changed, or moved, or anything spectacular considering what I realized, but now as I write this, I know how I changed and I am excited to discover what will come.
Pealing Away the Layers to find Source
The shadow work started the same as always, with my asking the typical questions and repeating the mantra “I’m completely here with you now.” The thought that I was worthless resurfaced and the tears came again.
I traced the thought that I was worthless to the emotion behind it to find sadness. I was getting ready to ask when I last felt this way, when I paused. I felt as if something was behind the emotion sadness. Sadness was a result of feeling worthless, but what was the cause of feeling worthless?
Contempt. The emotion was just below, lurking in the shadows. I recoiled because this is the one emotion I will not allow myself to feel, but I stopped myself, and I said, “I am completely here with you now.” I let myself feel the contempt. As I allowed myself to become familiar with this dark and menacing emotion, the right side of my mouth twitched and rose up at the corner in a pronounced sneer.
I followed this emotion to a memory in my childhood. I was rummaging around our living room closet looking for a hanger with which my mother would swat my hand. It was my punishment for something I had done. Naturally, I chose the softest hanger I could find. It was a cloth hanger that was used for baby’s clothes.
Of course when I handed it to my mother, she was not amused and sent me to get another more suitable hanger. Reluctantly, I did so. When my mother was about to swat my hand, I moved it. She yelled at me to hold my hand still. Again I moved my hand, and the hanger came down on the tips of my finger sending shooting, tingling pain up my fingers. Again, I had to hold my hand out. The hanger hit the mark, and I went away with a sore hand and contempt for my mother. It was the first time I had felt anything but fear or love for her, and it scared me.
My adult self went to my inner child, and explained to her that it was perfectly natural for her to feel contempt for someone who was supposed to protect and love her but did the opposite instead. I explained that it was her realizing that our mother had no right to hurt and humiliate us. I told her I was proud of her for taking care of herself by choosing a soft hanger and moving her hand out of harms way. I then took the child to our mother.
I confronted our mother telling her she had no right to hurt her child. I told her that her children are precious and wonderful beings whose psyches should be protected not destroyed. I then took the child away from my mother. As I left, my mother’s face fell. She reached out in pain and said, “Where are you taking my baby?” I did not answer her, but took my inner child out of the room slamming the door on my mother’s face.
I then took the child to a place where she was surrounded by love, warmth and light. I told her that she would never be harmed again, and that the people there would always love and protect her. I told her, “You are worthy of love because you are you. You don’t need to earn love because it is yours. Always remember that.”
I opened my eyes. I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t overcome with joy or gratitude. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t trust the work. Regardless, I opened my journal and wrote down what I had experienced, and then began to write about my doubts about whether or not the experience was real or just contrived. A voice insisted that it was real and that I should trust the process. I then switched from my dominate hand to my right one and began writing the following message:
Trust yourself. You integrated and thereby changed a core belief. This belief is now and forever: I am worthy of love because I am Source. I am Source. I am me. I am love.
There wasn’t any thing left to write, so I closed the notebook and went about my day wondering if anything had changed. I didn’t feel different, just calmer. I also noticed that I was less quick tempered. I played with my daughter, and I didn’t feel annoyed or bored like I usually did. Everything was just easier.
It wasn’t until I got to my office that I noticed the change. Normally when I go to the office, I feel awkward, but not today. Even after being away for seven months on maternity leave, I felt comfortable for the first time. I was confident and I didn’t mind when I made mistakes. I could ask for what I needed and I didn’t feel the need to apologize for existing. I was me, but with self-confidence, and self-esteem. It was a great feeling.
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