Today is the last Saturday of vacation, so today was a lazy day.
Although my body was quite sedentary, my emotions ran the gamut. I went from feeling sure of my decisions to being totally uneasy to the point where I found myself walking around ringing my hands. My shadow work was iffy today although I feel that I made some progress. It wasn’t ground breaking or anything, but after I completed it I felt a little more at ease.
I’m struggling with trusting the process. Part of me is terrified of the change that is taking place. Although I feel like great things will come of this, I’m afraid that nothing will come of this and I will end up humiliated and worse off than I was when I started. Now that I have committed to this process and to the challenge, I grapple with feelings of uncertainty. It’s that hesitation you get just before jumping from a high place. You know that you have to fully commit to the jump or you are bound to mess up. You have to trust that your legs will do exactly what they are supposed to and your feet will land on solid ground when you get there.
So that’s where I am in this process. I’m at the point where I am going to jump. Till now, I’ve been doing this in the comfort of my own home with little interaction with anyone to challenge my new convictions. As a university teacher, going back to work means daily interactions with a variety of different people in a variety of situations that will require multiple decisions. It means that when I ask the question, there’s no telling what will happen. My behavior will change because up to now, I’ve made decisions based on what other people might think or expect of me. This will be the first time putting myself first in an environment other than my home.This is uncharted territory for me.
The remaining 358 days will be like the time you spend in the air before landing on the ground below, and day 365 will be like the moment where you either land with both feet on the ground or you find yourself tasting dirt. I want to step off the edge and find an easier way down, but I know where that path will lead to as I have been there before, and I know the is the wrong path for me.
As I stand poised for the jump looking down at the ground below, my vision blurring and my heart in my throat, I ask the question, “What would someone who loved themselves do?” The answer of course is “Jump.” And so I jump.