Days 19 and 20

I’ve been burning it at both ends and I finally ran out of steam. I fell asleep last night while putting my baby to bed for the night and woke up at around 8AM this morning. My body needed the rest as I am coming down with something and I have been averaging about five hours of sleep a night and working long hours at home and at work. So this post will count for two days as really nothing’s changed between yesterday and today.

WAYS THAT I CAN SHOW MYSELF LOVE (based on an exercise from “Shadows Before Dawn: Finding The Light of Self-Love Through Your Darkest Times” page 101)

I can show myself love by…

Honoring my commitments to myself even if I don’t see results right away.

Taking care of myself by getting plenty of rest, eating healthy food, and being active.

Forgiving myself for mistakes and realizing that it is how I learn.

Making time for myself to do the things that I want to do.

Allowing myself to live in alignment with my passion no matter how risky it appears to be.

Allowing myself to feel what I feel knowing that my emotions are signals that tell me how my environment is affecting me.

Listening to my emotions to let them guide me on my life’s path.

Finding out what makes me happy and including those things in my life everyday.

Writing down my thoughts and sharing them with others in some form.

Doing shadow work as much as possible.

I hate to say this, but I’m just not feeling it today. I was really productive despite waking up with a scratchy throat. I went to a PTA meeting, cleaned my house all afternoon, and rescheduled a social visit because I was feeling under the weather (something I wouldn’t have done before). However, rather than feeling happy and pleased with myself, I just feel off. I cannot even describe what feeling off is like. So I won’t attempt to explain it.

This feeling started yesterday when I arrived at work and one of my colleagues approached me telling me he read the piece that I published on social media. He looked as if he were deeply concerned about me, which made me regret publishing the piece. Then I noticed that that about a half a dozen people liked or commented on the post, and although I was grateful for their showing support, I couldn’t help feeling like the whole thing was a mistake. It was all I could do not to remove the post because when I asked the question, “What would someone who loved themselves do” the answer was “Keep it there. It was a great piece,” so I’ve kept it there.

It’s puzzling because I feel like I am getting really close to identifying my passion. I have a strong desire to become a full time writer, but when I think about it and really consider committing to that, a voice inside of me says, “Are you crazy? Every time you try writing, it doesn’t work out. What makes you think it will be any different this time?” When I try to counter this argument, I got nothing. I believe this voice, so now I’ve hit a wall.

I’ve got to delve into the shadows and find the source of this skeptic who does not believe I can succeed at writing for a living. I know that if I don’t, any attempt at writing for a living will probably be unsuccessful. So, that’s what I will be doing tonight when I do shadow work.

I’ll let you know how it goes. In the mean time, I wish you all the best.





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