Developing Self-Worth (pages 107-116)
MY LIST of ENDOWMENTS
I am creative.
I am a good listener.
I am generous.
I am positive.
I am a good teacher.
I am a diligent student.
I am a compassionate person.
I am a good singer.
I am a good dancer.
I am a good actress.
I am good at synthesizing information
I am a good writer.
I am a thoughtful person.
I am a nurturer.
MY LIST of CAPABILITIES and POTENTIALS
I am able to express myself in writing.
I am able to teach second language writing.
I am able to empower others through my actions.
I am able to face my fears and learn from them.
I am able to learn from my mistakes and forgive myself.
I am able to listen to my higher self and follow my desires.
I am able to be self-aware.
I have the capacity to meet my needs.
I could take the risks necessary to live my dream.
I could be courageous in the face of terrifying challenges.
I could live and create a life worth living.
MY LIST of CONTRIBUTIONS AND SUCCESSES
I have received a Master’s degree.
I have maintained a successful marriage for fourteen years.
I have maintained a close friendship for nearly three decades.
I have co-authored and published a textbook.
I have stayed committed to loving myself despite many drawbacks and false starts.
I have told everyone I love how I feel about them.
Shadow Work and Connecting to My Higher Self
In my last post, I mentioned how I had hit a wall. Well, I’ve discovered that that wall was not solid at all but made of smoke born of fear. So much of what stands in my way is the result of fear. Doing shadow work this morning, I discovered a part of myself that was frightened of being judged because of my passionate nature.
The source of the shame I feel surrounding my passionate nature is from an experience I had when I was eleven or twelve. I was volunteering at a local grassroots preschool when I became particularly fond of one of the teachers. When she suddenly stopped coming to work, I was devastated. I tried to find out what happened to her by writing her letters and trying to call her home but to no avail. She was Southeast Asian and her family did not speak very good English, so when I called to talk to her, they would just tell me in broken English that she was not home.
One of the teachers that I respected and admired, found one of my letters. I overheard her talking to another teacher saying in hushed tones that she thought the letter was written by the woman’s husband. I was too young to understand what she was implying about my intentions, but I knew that her impression of my letter was disapproving. Later, the director of the school called me into her office and explained that because of family issues, the teacher would not be working at the school anymore.
I felt so ashamed of myself. Before that point, I had never thought that my passionate nature was something to be ashamed of; it was just how I felt and how I loved. After that humiliating experience, I decided that I would hide that part myself never to show it to anyone again for fear that I would have that same awful feeling of deep shame.
When I attempted to change this memory, and take my pre-teen self to a place of love and light where she would be accepted and loved for who she was, she was not ready to completely trust me. She still felt fearful of being rejected because of her passionate nature. I told her it would take time, but that now that I was an adult I could make it so that every one she came into contact with would love and accept her. She was not convinced. I told her it would take time for her to see that she was safe and no longer in a place where she would be judged and humiliated. I told her I’d leave her in the place with all the people who loved and accepted her and return to see how she was doing. I then opened my eyes.
I felt very sad. I was crushed that I was so afraid of being authentic. I knew on a conscious level that I was a passionate person and it was who I was meant to be and that it was my contribution to the world. However, unconsciously, I had rejected that part of myself and was afraid of what would happen if I allowed that part myself to integrate.
I wanted to see the process through. I didn’t like not fully integrating that part of myself. I wanted her to believe without doubt that we could and should completely embrace our passionate nature. So, I asked the question, “What would someone who loved themselves do?” The answer, “Write in your journal.”
So I wrote in my journal and what transpired was nothing short of amazing. As I wrote, a voice told me to switch to my less dominate hand, so I shifted my pen to my right hand, and began to write down what the voice was telling me. This voice was confident, gentle, and commanding. I call her my higher self. She has no doubts and she directs my desires and identifies my passion. With my right hand, I reaffirmed what I knew to be true but was too frightened to accept.
Again, my higher self told me You are love. You are meant to connect to the world through your writing and it is through your passion that you will remind people how to love. She continued to describe in detail how I was going to fulfill my calling. Then, she acknowledged the fact that I was afraid, so she asked me to be brave and to carry on even though I was terrified of what would happen. She then promised that if I did what I was meant to do, and if I followed my desires and did so with love in my heart, brilliant things would happen.
Then she said, Trust me. Shifting to my left hand, I wrote I trust you. Then I finished writing and taking a deep sigh of relief, it was clear to me what I was meant to do. Now despite the fear, and I assure you I am still very afraid, I will do what I am meant to do and I will fulfill my calling.
My wish for you, dear reader, is that you too find what you are meant to do, and that even if you are afraid you will fulfill your desires with courage and conviction. For it is my sincere belief that the key to a better world is for all of us to follow our passions and live our dreams.
Each of us that accepts our calling to do whatever it is we are meant to do on this earth are shimmering lights in the darkness of unknowing and uncertainty that we find ourselves in today. If each of us could allow our true natures to radiate forth, the world would be a brilliant place.