Day 26 10:55PM

Letting Go of Fear and Embracing Gratitude

A few minutes ago, I put my baby to bed. He screamed bloody murder for five minutes before he finally surrendered and gave into sleep.It reminded me of how I’ve been feeling for the past couple days. I’ve been kicking and screaming and fighting like mad against my situation. I’m not changing fast enough. I’m struggling with the idea of living my dream and following my passion. Like my son fighting to stay awake, I’m resisting the process.

Once again, I am butting up against fear. It is the fear of insignificance. It is the fear of putting myself out there only to discover that the world doesn’t notice me. What if my brilliant light is the size of the head of a pin; barely enough for anyone to notice? What if I take the plunge only to find that the water was only an illusion and the hard unforgiving concrete is very real and there’s no escaping impact? What if the great roar that I think I have turns out to be a mere whisper? What if I not only fail, but no one even bothers to notice or care? These are the questions that halt my steps into the direction of my bliss.

So, let’s examine these fears shall we? These are all inventions. They are my idea of what will happen. However, if we create our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs, if I continue to entertain these thoughts, they could be realized. It is probably best to find the source of these fears and integrate the part of my being that is stuck in the past when I felt powerless. I see more shadow work on the horizon.

In the meantime, I will focus on all things for which I’m grateful. I’m grateful for my ability to see the lush green trees whose blossoms of pink, yellow, white, and purple adorn the landscape with vibrant splashes of color. I rejoice in the fact that I can walk, run, jump, and dance, and that I can hear the birds singing, and the wind rustling through the leaves of the trees, and the clankty clank of the train’s wheels on the tracks. I’m so grateful that I can feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, the caress of the cool breeze on my cheek, and the soft delicate petals of the flowers that line the pathway on my way to my apartment.

I love the fact that when I come home from work, my daughter still gets excited and runs into my arms sometimes, and that she still wants to play with me. I love that my son smiles and excitedly pumps his chubby little legs when he sees me. I am full of gratitude when my husband brings me flowers just because, and that I can tell him anything.

It’s easy to get caught up in the what ifs, and to forget myself in the excitement of what’s to come. Today and every day, I’m going to focus on the things I love and everything in my life for which I am grateful. It is time to stop dwelling on what could be, and to start experiencing and living my life now. After all, that’s what someone who loved themselves would do, and so will I.




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