For the past week or so there has been a current of sadness running through my life. It started with publishing my thoughts on nursing on a social media site on which close friends, family, and my colleagues could read it, and did read it. If you’ve read my previous posts, then you know that one of my colleague reacted to it as if I were insane and needed to be treated with kid gloves. This triggered a childhood trauma in which I was humiliated because of letter I wrote to someone that showed my passionate nature especially when related to relationships. When I integrated this inner child, I felt the usual relief and sense of purpose that I usually feel when I do shadow work.
Thinking I had overcome my fear of showing my passionate nature to others, I went happily about living my life only to run smack dab into an unrelenting current of sadness. My higher self whispered that it was time to do shadow work. However, I ignored this. I did not want to admit that I was still afraid of putting myself out there. To feel sadness after redefining core beliefs and becoming more confident about my ability to meet my own needs and take control of my life, meant to me that I had failed. I surrendered to my negative thoughts and the sadness persisted and I began to doubt myself.
It hasn’t even been a month, I thought, and I’m failing already. I shouldn’t be feeling sad. I should be feeling happy. Will I ever get to the point where I am happy all the time? The more I ignored the sadness the more persistent it got. All the while, my higher self whispered, “Do shadow work.” I knew I should and I knew that was the loving thing to do, but instead, I lapsed into my old addictive behavior of binge eating. It was a temporary fix, but it was more appealing to me than shadow work. Sugar is my vice. Whenever I feel out of control, I binge eat sweets, and I hate myself all the more afterwards. That’s how addictions work after all.
So not only was I ignoring my inner guidance system, I was abandoning myself yet again by surrendering to my need to feel better. It did not help that it was coming after writing a sincere letter of apology to myself in which I promised not to do that. It’s been a hard couple days.
The Little Girl’s Dreams The Woman’s Reality
So, this afternoon, after binging on cookies and feeling utterly powerless, I decided enough was enough. Doing shadow work was better than this awful feeling of shame and guilt that comes with giving into my addiction. I waited until my husband came home and went down to our bedroom to do shadow work.
Through shadow work I discovered the source of the sadness. When I was around eight or nine, I revealed my inner fantasy world to a friend, and she betrayed me. To my face, she told me I was amazing, and the fantasy world that I shared with her was so real, and she could taste it, see it, and experience it as if she had really been there. Behind my back, she told all of our mutual friends that I was a freak and laughingly told them about my fantasy world telling them that I actually believed it. As a result of her actions, I was uninvited to a birthday party and ostracized by my friends. This experience created a core belief that I am powerless. I stopped believing in my power to create, and redirected my focus from that of creating my own reality in the physical world to creating worlds on paper. I began writing prolifically.
As I was reliving this memory, I approached my nine-year-old self, and told her that she did have the power to create, and that the fantasy world she had experienced was real, and that she had always had the power to control our reality. I felt as she began to believe this, and I took her to a place where she would always be loved and accepted. She gave me her blessing, and said that she wanted me to embrace my calling, which is to write. In the experience of integrating my imaginative inner child, I regained my creative energy and realized that beyond a shadow of a doubt that the way to my bliss is through writing.
I hope that you will find the way to your bliss, and that you will be brave enough to go in the direction of it no matter how unfamiliar or risky it might seem at first. Once you start on the path to your joy, magnificent things are sure to happen for you. May you know, breathe, and live the brilliance that is you.