Day 40

Lost in the Shadows

After three attempts at shadow work, I have discovered that there is a part of me that is unbearably lonely. Last night, I sat with this feeling of loneliness. It is a lump in my throat, a hollow and persistent ache. It is a black hole of need that can never be filled and can never be satiated. Each time I have tried to embrace and accept this part of myself and find the root cause of this emotion, I have either been met with complete silence or I’ve fallen asleep. I wake up feeling anxious and panicked because I feel like I’m running out of time.

This is perhaps the hardest emotion I’ve had to face. I have grappled with loneliness for as long as I can remember. I can be surrounded by loved ones and still feel isolated and alone. This feeling prevents me from experiencing all the love and appreciation I receive from so many people in my life. Stuck in the past, I am unable to fully appreciate the people in my life who love and respect me. It’s like being in a glass bubble or living life as a ghost unable to experience what is going on in the present. I can see and hear the people around me, but I cannot feel their love. I know that the way to come to terms with this insatiable need for love, attention, and approval is to accept it and learn from it, but this is proving most difficult.

Nevertheless, I will persevere. I will find the source of  my loneliness. I will stay in the shadows until I can find the inner child who is trapped in this state of acute emotional pain and rescue her and tell her that everything is different now and she no longer has to feel so alone. This is my mission. I will succeed no matter how long it takes.

Until next time, I wish you the very best.

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