Day 46

Back on Track

My last few posts have been interesting, but they have not been in alignment with my original purpose for writing this blog. This is partly because I have hit a wall in my shadow work. When I try to do it, I have a hard time concentrating, and when I finally concentrate, nothing comes. In Day 40, I wrote about being lost in the shadows and my determination to rescue a lonely inner child. I promised that I would not give up until I found the source of my loneliness. Well, now I’m at the end of Day 46, and I have yet to find and rescue this inner child. However, I feel more open to love and the possibility of love, so the fact that I have acknowledged this loneliness has changed its affect on me.

Despite this, I feel that I’ve been resting on my laurels a little too much lately. I haven’t been meditating on a regular basis, and as far as getting up early to make more time for things like shadow work, meditation, and research, I haven’t been doing that either. It’s time to get back on track and reassess my goals, my vision, and my commitment to this process. Even if I haven’t been able to make much progress in shadow work, I will continue to do it and most importantly write about it.

I think I’ve let my ego take over in the past few weeks wanting to put my best foot forward and focus on the positive things in my life thus far, but that is really not the purpose of this blog. The purpose is to share the experience of going through the 365 Days of Self Love challenge no matter what that might look like. When I stopped meditating and doing shadow work on a regular basis, I lost sight of this fact, so now whether I am making progress or not, I’m going to bring the 365 Days of Self Love challenge back to the foreground.

Today, I did one thing in accordance with my commitment to do what feels right and what someone who loved themselves would do, and that is joining a Zumba class at my gym. I had mentioned before that I had danced Zumba before I had my son. It’s been almost a year since I danced, and it was wonderful to get back into it. The teacher was energetic and kind, and relatively easy to follow. At the end of the class, I met four people, one of whom is from New Zealand. I have a feeling she and I might become friends. It was an uplifting ending to a not so good day. I had debated whether or not I should go, but when I asked the question it was clear that I should and I am very glad that I did. Zumba is part of my weekly routine now.

Committing to self love and doing the things that someone who loved themselves would do is proving interesting. My priorities are shifting. I am taking more time to myself, resting more, and listening to my body and my emotions more than I did before. It still feels selfish, and I admit that I feel panicked when I get to the end of a day like today with nothing really to show for it, but I have a feeling I’ll adjust to this new perspective and I will be the better for it.

What I can say about this process is that it has made it a little bit easier to accept myself no matter how I feel or what I do or don’t do. I am in better spirits, and I feel lighter on my feet. I smile more often and I have a lot less stress. So despite the discomfort of changing my perspective and shifting my priorities, I am still quite pleased with this process.

Until next time, I wish you all the best.

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