Day 54

Fear: My Constant Companion

For as long as I can remember Fear has been a part of my life. She was born not too long after I was. She is my sister. She has big eyes that seem to take in everything–well everything that could go wrong at least. She has been there at almost every life decision. She was there when I decided to leave Japan the first time to get my masters, and she was there when I decided to move back to Japan, and she’s been here insisting that I stay armed with a thousand reasons why leaving is a huge mistake. Fear is ready with all of the really terrible things that can go wrong if I make the wrong decisions. The only decisions she did not seem to be part of was choosing my spouse and my decision to have children. Or perhaps she was there, but I didn’t recognize her true form.

Fear, my beloved companion, is stronger than I am and much more certain. She holds my hand whenever I am uncertain about what to do, and she is always assertive about the “right” decision and she never wavers. Consistent and loyal, I can always count on her to be ready with all of the pitfalls and the risks involved in any choice, and she is always there to remind me of all the things I avoided when I am disappointed with a decision I’ve made as a result of her advice. Her strength has kept me safe, and I have relied on her perhaps for too long.

Now that I have committed to being better to myself which entails following my dream, ever consistent and predictable, Fear is forever in my ear warning me of my desire to follow my heart. She is ready with her list of things that could go really, terribly, badly wrong. She reminds with those big eyes that I could go broke; my children could starve, or I could end up homeless if I ever consider any other plan but the one that is safest and most reliable. She is very convincing, yet I can’t help arguing with her, and at times choosing the less safe option.

It is becoming more and more clear that in order to live a life worth living I am going to have to stop relying so much on Fear. I wonder if I am going to have to find my own way and let her go her way. On the other hand, maybe there is another reason that Fear is in my life?  Maybe she is meant to do more than just keep me safe. Maybe she is not fear at all, but something else. Teal Swan has a great video about this. It is called “Find Your Negative Imprint-Find Your Life Purpose,” and in it she talks about the opposite feeling signature and how it can lead you to your life purpose. Fear is my negative imprint. She is always there to push me towards my life purpose.

As I write this Fear sits opposite me hugging her knees close to her chest gazing at me with those huge eyes of hers. Smiling I return her gaze looking deep within those peepers to see the unmistakable glow of love.

Until next time, I wish you the very best.

 

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