Day 56

Dejected

Excited but a little nervous, I told my husband about my decision to start living my dream today. I told him that I wasn’t going to wait for the perfect time to begin and that ready or not, I was going to start walking my path. I continued, telling him I was going finish out my current contract and leave Japan next spring when the contract expired.  I said we should go back to our home state, regroup, re-acclimate and then see where events would take us. What do you think his reaction was? Well, it wasn’t excitement or joy, it was abject terror.

“A year is too soon. We need to leave Japan with enough money to replace all of our stuff and buy a car and hopefully rent a house,” he said.

Now, mind you, he did not address the fact that I had just announced to him that I had made a decision to live my dream. There was no smile and no encouraging words like, “Well done, honey; not a lot of people have the courage to live their dream.” Nope, he was too busy worrying about how we were going to survive without my income. Wanting to be supportive and understanding, I assured him that the money would take care of itself. I told him that a lot of successful people started businesses and enterprises with very little capital and just a really good idea and the determination to see things through and the unwavering belief in their dream. To this he replied,

“Those people did not have children, and they were much younger.”

Trying very hard not to lose my resolve, I told him that that might be true, but I believed that if I followed my heart and lived my dream everything would fall into place. I imagine that he thinks the whole thing is quixotic, and as I have had 48 hours to think about it and after discussing all of the things I have not fully thought through related to my dream, I am beginning to believe that maybe I am just a hopeless silly dreamer.

When I’ve heard other people’s success stories, they almost always mentioned how important it was to have people who supported them. Their spouses or their parents cheered them on or supported them when they were not making money on their idea at the outset. I had hoped my husband would be supportive, and I know that he will help me and that he will stand by me, but I do not feel like he believes in me or in my ability to succeed.

Perhaps, and it is very likely that it is some part of me that feels this way and so I recognize it in my husband. However, it is still painful to share such a significant breakthrough in my attitude towards life with the person with whom I have chosen to spend the rest of my life only to be met with skepticism and worry. I feel dejected and very alone in this. I hate that I have to sell him on this idea. At the same time, I understand that he is not in a very good place emotionally and psychologically right now.

I am trying to be patient and understanding. I know he’ll come around eventually, but it would have been nice to have heard the words, “That’s awesome, honey. I’m so happy for you and I know you’ll make it happen.”

Despite having the wind taken out of my sails, I will continue to pursue my dream and live a life worth living.

Until next time, I wish you all the very best.

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