Day 57

The Delicate Dance of Desire and Fear

Lively, inspirational music is playing as Desire dances in the spot light twirling around and around ever outward leaping and bounding gracefully in the glow of possibility. The music changes to a minor chord a sense of foreboding and danger permeates the air. Out of the shadows emerges Fear.

Taking center stage grabbing Desire by the wrist pulling her towards her, she circles around her her arms around her quietly swaying their bodies contracting into a ball, and Desire disappears behind Fear’s arms and back. Fear’s body is blocking Desire from sight almost as if she is shielding her from some unseen malevolent force. Desire is almost completely invisible, and the spot light shrinks so that all you see is Fear her back to the audience, the music is quiet, just strings lightly humming.

Then Fear jerks back. Desire pushes through and Fear releases her disappearing into the shadows. Desire resumes her dance, the music builds and she captivates the audience with her carefree fluid movements that move perfectly in sync with the music; she moves with very little resistance. The music changes. Fear emerges again to take Desire and shield her from the unseen malevolent force, but Desire puts out her hand which causes Fear to hesitate.

Timidly, Fear extends a hand, and now Desire takes Fear’s hand gently leading her in a dance of hope and expansion. Unfamiliar with these fluid and effortless movements, Fear stumbles and jerks as Desire stretches out and leaps. Turning lovingly towards Fear, Desire shows her how to relax her arm. She shows her how to stretch out and move with the flow of the music. Fear stiffly extends her arm out like a tin soldier trying awkwardly to mimic Desire’s fluid movements. Desire nods encouragingly and repeats the motion, and so it continues, Desire patiently showing Fear how to let go and how to surrender to the music and the joy until Desire and Fear dance side by side moving to the music, moving and twirling expanding ever outward in the spot light of possibility as one.

This is the image I get when I think about the two dominate feelings I experience when living my dream. Part of me is elated, excited and certain that I am on the right path while another part of me is like, “Have you lost your mind? Who are you to dream so big? What makes you think you have anything of value to offer the world?” So it is like a tug-of-war in my mind. I feel like I’m on a seesaw going up and plunging down. This image of Fear and Desire dancing where Desire finally teaching Fear how to surrender to the music is my vision of what I would like the two emotions to do in my mind. I’d like them to work in tandem.

For awhile, I believed that fear was an indication that I was on the wrong path. I believed that if I walked my path the fear and uncertainty would vanish and I would be serene and calm in my endeavors. When I finally started allowing myself to follow my passion and the serenity and calm were accompanied by anxiety and doubt, I questioned whether or not my desire to write and to reach out to the world was valid. I believed I wasn’t ready, and that I still had work to do, but then I watched a whole bunch of Teal Swan videos and read her blog, and it was as if she were speaking directly to me. I realized that the fear was part of the experience and to deny the fear or to avoid my dream because of the fear was a form of resistance. I needed to pursue my dream and still allow myself to be afraid.

So I am shaking in my boots. I’m afraid of what will happen. I’m afraid of being rejected and not being seen or recognized. However, I am not going to let that stop me. I am going to live my dream now even though I feel disoriented and terrified. I am going to step into this unfamiliar place and recognize that I am afraid, and feel the fear, and follow my passion just the same. I’ve reached a phase where the fear is no longer enough to stop me.

Until next time, I wish you all the very best.

 

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