Day 65

Changing My Situation: An Act of Cowardice or Self Love?

So, last time, I talked about sadness, and now I’ve discovered that beyond that sadness is a heck of a lot of anger. I am furious at my situation at work right now. I hate that when I am in the office I feel invisible. Aside from one other woman, my office is dominated by men. I am not used to so much testosterone in one place, and I feel like the energy that men give off is much more different than the energy that women give off. I feel really uncomfortable in that office, and really out of place. However, it is not that I am surrounded by men that puts me off, it’s that everyone in that office seems to be so close, and it just compounds the fact that I feel so alone. It really sucks.

The thing I hate the most is how they talk, or rather yell across the cubicles about the latest house party or trip to the bar they had. They are constantly talking about sports which is completely out of my realm of understanding or interest for that matter, and they are always collaborating on papers and presentations, which makes me feel even more excluded because on a number of occasions, I have asked them to collaborate on papers or classroom research and on all of the occasions except one, I have been turned down. I know these experiences are supposed to teach me something, but I am having a hard time with these particular lessons. I just end up feeling really unhappy when I am around these teachers.

When I get like this, I binge watch Teal Swan videos on YouTube. I feel like she’s speaking directly to me, and one of things that kept coming up in the videos that I watched today was the idea that its okay to want to change a crappy situation. I thought to myself, that perhaps the lesson that I am supposed to learn is that I need to change my situation. I’m tired of just accepting my fate and trying to see the positive aspects of situations that just plain suck. I do not like my work environment, and my social life is lacking big time, so I am not going to just sit quietly and take it. No! I am going to change my situation.

Fortunately, the teachers’ offices in my department are housed in two different buildings. The building that I am in has social lively teachers who like to talk about their drinking escapades and the latest Game of Thrones episode, and from what I’ve been told, the other building has more serious teachers. I’ve heard that it is a really good office to be in if you like the quiet. In addition, a good friend of mine who is currently on maternity leave is in that office now. Before, when I didn’t care much about myself or my feelings, I preferred to be in the lively office, but now that I am taking better care of myself and listening to what I need and want, I have found that I no longer like my office, and I want to get out of there as soon as possible.

However, I can’t help feeling like I’m escaping an uncomfortable situation rather than facing it and accepting it. In other words, I’m not gravitating to something more desirable but rather running away from something. There is a part of me that feels like leaving my current situation is the coward’s way out. Then I examine that thought. I ask myself, if you had a friend who was in the same situation would you encourage them to just tough it out and stay in the situation so that they can learn from it? No, absolutely not. So then why do you expect that of yourself? I suppose it is a remnant of the days, which were not that long ago, when I didn’t think much of myself. However, now, I am going to meet my needs without judgment.

In Teal’s most recent video, she talks about the law of attraction and how the purpose of our lives is for Source energy to expand, and that expansion happens through joy. As I understand it, because of the way the law of attraction works, we move toward our joy and what we want when we are faced with the contrast of our desires. In other words, if we enter the world with a desire to know love, we enter a situation in which we encounter its opposite, which according to Teal is fear. The way the universe works is to give us what we don’t want so that we will go towards what we do want. This is how I see the move to the other office. My current office is causing me pain, and to get relief from that pain, I am going to the other office. Whether or not I am going to face the same loneliness and isolation remains to be seen. However, at least I’m doing something to change my situation, which is at least a form of self care. We shall see how it goes.

Until next time, I wish you all the best.


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