Day 73


For awhile now, I’ve been a little flighty. I’ve been really excited about finally finding a emotional healing process that works for me, reaffirming my dream, and giving myself permission to leave Japan. I think I have been experiencing the heady euphoria that comes with a discovery that gives you a new lease on life. It is akin to the giddy lightheartedness that comes with being in love for the first time. I was so full of hope and I believed in magic. Everything was possible, and the universe was unfolding before me moving to make my dream a reality.

Well that’s all over now. The honey moon is officially at an end and reality has crept in to bring me down to earth. At first, I was really afraid of this new sensation. I was afraid that once the excitement of finding the answer to my question would give way to the familiar depression that usually comes after a false start. However, that was not the case. Instead of feeling depressed, I feel, well, grounded. I feel certain of my decisions and I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m L’Shawn and that’s finally okay.

Being grounded is a new and unfamiliar feeling for me. I am getting used to it slowly, but with every passing day, as the sensation remains, I feel more at ease with this new state of mind I have begun to adopt. I find that I am not as hard on myself for mistakes and the times when I slip back into old habits. I am more forgiving, and I dwell on unpleasant emotions less often now. I allow myself to be annoyed, irritated, angry, sad, apprehensive, and frustrated. I no longer let these emotions define me.

Now I am interested in pursuing certain things because of how they will contribute to my personal growth rather than how they will comfort me or take away my pain. I am no longer afraid of emotional pain, and I no longer believe that experiencing emotional pain somehow is indicative of a fundamental flaw or broken-ness. I now firmly believe that I cannot be broken as I am energy and therefore I can never be destroyed. This belief is life affirming and liberating. However, instead of feeling elated, I feel a deep sense of calm, and my mind is starting to quieten. It’s definitely a state I can get used to.

At the same time, I know that I am dynamic, and although I feel grounded today, tomorrow I might feel uneasy or elated again. It’s all part of the human experience. For now, I will continue to work on my health, my mood, and my perspective, with the knowledge that it is all part of the lesson I have chosen to learn in the course I call life. I wonder what new challenges I will face, and how they will change me and those around me.

Until next time, I wish you all the very best.

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