Day 105

Creating a Home

For some time now, I haven’t had a place to call home. I’ve had a place to live, but for years, it has not felt like home. In two weeks, I am leaving for a long vacation, and I have decided that before I leave, I’m going to transform my apartment into a home. It is a task I’ve been putting off since we moved to this apartment a year ago and I am determined to finish it.

Before I started Teal Swan’s 365-Days-of-Self-Love process, I didn’t believe that I deserved to live in a place that I could call home. Every time we got close to a long break or vacation, we would make plans to go through our boxes and get organized, but we never did. It just wasn’t important to me, but now it is of paramount importance. I can no longer live in a place that is full of clutter and devoid of any charm or personality. Our walls are bare. There is not a single family portrait on the wall or on the shelves. If you had never met me or my family and you walked into my house, you would not be able to identify me based on what was in my place. Our place looks lived in, but it does not look like a place that is loved. I want a place that I am proud to call my own. I want a place to which I can invite people and be certain that they will feel comfortable.

When I am finished with this project, when you walk into my home the first thing you will see is a spotless entrance way. To the left you will see an alcove with fresh flowers and a tapestry with a brightly colored print with a seasonal motif. On the floor in front of a row of bookshelves you will see a Persian rug. Next to the bookshelf, you will see a coat rack with a space to hang your coat. To the left of the coat rack will be the Japanese sliding door leading to my daughter’s bedroom.

Opening the door, you will find a tatami floor with a pink and blue throw rug with Elsa and Anna from Frozen smiling up at you. Your eyes will then be drawn my daughter’s colorful and vibrant art that line the walls. Next to the door will be another pair of sliding doors leading to the compartment where my daughter’s futon will be neatly stored. Next to the futon closet will be my daughter’s toys which will be organized and stored in large plastic containers. Draped over the containers will be colorful cloth on which my daughter’s collection of dolls will be lovingly displayed. In the corner, will be her art center with her papers and art supplies neatly arranged on her desk. Next to the desk will be her dresser which will have a small display case with her tiny figures. Next to her dresser will be a stand alone clothing rack where her dresses and jackets will be neatly hanging.

When you walk into the house proper, you will find a clean kitchen with a neatly organized dining room and living room. The laundry room will be clean and organized with fresh towels hanging near the shower room. The wall leading down the stairs to the bedrooms will be lined with framed photographs my husband took over the years of our favorite places in Japan. At the bottom of the stairs you will see a bathroom and to the right of the bathroom will be the master bedroom. The walls will be lined with bookshelves and the top of these bookshelves will have framed pictures of our children at various stages in their lives. The bed will be made and the curtains drawn.

Across from the bedroom will be our office. There will be a computer desk and small table on either side of the room and a small display case of a few selected pieces from my husband’s figure collection. On the computer desk will be a small gold frame with a picture of me when I was eighteen–one of the first pictures my husband took of me. On the small table will be a medium sized pewter frame with a picture of my husband when he was in his early thirties–the first picture I ever took of my husband.

This is the vision I have my home. It was one that I have deprived myself of because I believed I deserved to have this home when I was perfect. Well, I no longer see a reason to deny myself the home I have dreamed of for so long. I am making it a reality today, and when I leave for my travels, I will have that home, and when my travels are over, I will have something to return to, something I will be proud to call home.

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