Day 173

Everything is Possible for Me

I’ve been reading “Living Enlightenment” by Nithyananda Sangha, and in the chapter on fear the above phrase appears. This is from memory, so I cannot be certain, but the argument was that if you are certain of success or failure there is not fear, but if you are uncertain, there is fear. He goes on to explain the concepts of “bhakti yogi” and “gnana yogi.” If you aligned with the idea that “Nothing is possible by me,” then you are “bhakti yogi.” On the other hand, if you are aligned with the idea that “Everything is possible by me,” you are “gnana yogi.” The former is in a state of complete surrender, and the latter is an experiencer and an explorer. He explains that if you take either position, you can be free of fear. I like the idea of being free of fear, or at least not being affected by fear. Can you guess what stance I’ve taken? If you follow this blog, you might have guessed “gnana yogi,” and you would have guessed correctly.

All day today I’ve been repeating the phrase, “Everything is possible for me,” in my head, and it has given me a sense of calm. I’ve examined this situation with my husband where he wants to stay another year and I want to leave in the spring, and I feel that I would be happy either way. I’d like to go back and try a new career and living life in a different place, exploring and experiencing new and not so new things. However, I could do a lot of new things here. There are places I have yet to visit, and things I have yet to do. I haven’t however given up the fight. That too is a new experience. I usually buckle under pressure and take the path of least resistance. Why not try fighting for what I want for a change?

The difference is that either possibility is okay. I can see positive things in either. So, I am going to explore living my life with the motto: “Everything is possible for me.” Let’s see how it goes.

May everyday reveal something new and awe inspiring for you.

 

 

 

 

Day 172

To Compromise or not to compromise

Last weekend, I told my husband I didn’t want to extend my contract next year, which would mean we would have to leave Japan next spring. I explained to him that I was ready for the next step and I didn’t want to let the fear of poverty stop me from moving forward. Not surprisingly, he did not like the idea of leaving in about six months. He suggested we compromise, and leave in the spring of 2018 instead. This did not feel like a compromise.

Usually in a compromise each person sacrifices something so that neither is completely happy with the results, but both benefit from the decision in some way. I don’t think I will benefit from staying another year. It feels like I’m losing and he’s winning.

I want to return to Colorado because on my trip I noticed that my parents and Doug’s parents aren’t getting any younger; some of my family members are in very poor health, and I am tired of missing out on holidays and special occasions with my relatives. More importantly, I want my children to have close relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. That is difficult to do when they live thousands of miles away. These sacrifices are no longer acceptable to me, and to stay another year, means missing out on more big events. More than anything, staying another year feels like denying my needs yet again, something I don’t want to do.

I think my husband understands that, but to him sacrificing time to save some money so that we don’t end up poverty stricken when we go back is more important. I understand where he is coming from. I don’t want to be poor, and I certainly don’t want to be a financial burden on our relatives either. However, I plan to have another source of income before we leave, and I have faith that we will be okay, especially with the network of people back home. However, these things offer very little comfort to my husband who¬†would rather we had as much money saved up as possible before we leave, and to him, that cannot be accomplished in six months.

So, he suggests a compromise of just staying one more year. I fail to see what I gain from that, but maybe there is something…or maybe, I can state my case more convincingly. Maybe, I can show him that it doesn’t have to mean that we are going to be impoverished if we leave Japan too soon. That is what I’ve decided to do. I’m not ready to compromise just yet. I am ready to fight.

Wishing you all the best.

 

Day 169

Back on Track

It’s been too long since I posted something on this blog. Part of it has to do with the nature of traveling and being on vacation, and part of it has to do with my emotional state. I’ve gone full circle actually. I’ve gone from feeling foolish about this whole thing to feeling okay about it. There was a time when I felt like keeping a record of this journey wasn’t a good idea and then I felt like I should stay true to my commitment and keep a record of this 365 days of Self Love challenge although I stopped posting things daily several months ago. However, after much deliberation, I decided that I would get back into a routine of writing something each day from now until day 365. For now, I’ll touch on a few high lights of my travels and my summer vacation: Over these past 45 days, I learned the importance of:

Positive Thinking

I spent most of my travels in Arequipa, Peru, Ontario, Canada, and various cities in Colorado, my home state, focusing on three key things: good health, love, and good will. Every morning, I repeated this phrase, “I am in alignment with good health, love, and good will.” This put a smile on my face and confidence in my step. It made every day one in which I was in good health, surrounded by love, and interacted with my fellow humans in a spirit of good will. Don’t get me wrong, there were days when I struggled with self-doubt, or I had an unpleasant encounter with a friend or family member, but these times were few and far between, and once I completely surrendered to the idea that the universe is benevolent and in my corner (and in all of our corners), my visits went smoothly. I was also able to see my situation with a clarity of mind and purpose that I had not otherwise experienced. It is something I would like to continue throughout my life.

Loving myself

How surprising to find out that in the midst of all my travels and interactions with friends, family, and strangers that I love myself. I was able to put my needs first, and to give myself permission to do so with the understanding that to neglect my own needs is to neglect the needs of my loved ones. I realize that it is not selfish for me to turn inwards, and to take care of myself. In taking care of myself, I am better able to connect with those around me. I am more present and more open when I am more loving and kinder to myself.

Family ties

This trip made it clear to me that being close not only emotionally but close in proximity to my family is important to me. For over a decade fear of poverty, failure, and the unknown has kept me in Japan and far from my loved ones. I am grateful for all that Japan has given me and all that I have learned in my time here, but I am now certain without a shadow of a doubt that my time here is at an end. I am ready for the next step, and that step is bringing my closer to my family. Now that I love myself, meeting this need is no longer difficult. I am learning to accept fundamental truths about myself, and I am learning to appreciate my unique nature, and I am beginning to honor it. This begins by leaving Japan at the end of my current contract.

Gratitude

I have touched on this before. However, it bears repeating. When I am in a spirit of gratitude, I feel nothing but love and appreciation for all that surrounds me. I cannot help but feel open, calm, and serene when I focus on all the things for which I am grateful. This was brought to my attention shortly after I returned to Japan. Returning to Japan, I felt like a caged Bengal tiger. There was a point at which I thought I was having a nervous break down. I was anxious, full of rage, and I could not contain my emotions. So, I asked myself, “What are these emotions trying to tell me? What am I suppose to learn from this?” The answer came to me a few days after, and that is that my life right now in Japan is teaching me that this is not what I want. It is teaching me that it is time to move on. Feeling like a caged tiger, trapped in my life, and trapped by my decisions is a message to move on. Once I accepted this I was able to get back to a space of gratitude. I am thankful for my ability to feel anxiety, rage, and fear because it allows me to get clear on what I want, and it allows me to be aware of who I am and what compels me and to act on my intuition without shame or guilt.

Honoring my truth

I am now in a space where I can honor my truth. I am learning what that is every second of every day. I am open to it. I believe that I always have what I need no matter where I am and with whom I am. I believe that although I don’t have a job lined up for me or money saved up, when it comes time to leave next April, I will have everything I need, and so will my family. This is the space I am in now, and that I will nurture from now on.

My wish for you is that you will find the power in honoring your truth and loving yourself. We are all unique and that is a wonderful thing. I celebrate you and love you!