Day 320

Putting Myself Out There

So becoming a coach is like not being able to swim, and standing at the deep end of a pool contemplating diving in–will I sink or swim?

There are so many anxieties around this whole process. I had my first teleclass today and it was pleasant, but I couldn’t help comparing myself to the other trainees. They all seemed to have coaching experience, and the instructor talked as if we were all experienced coaches. It was intimidating at first, but I took a deep breath and said, just listen and learn, which was great because the class was about powerful listening.

After the class, as part of the graduation requirements, I had to post my reflections on the course forum. Not knowing exactly what to do, I just created a new post and wrote about my impressions, sharing the reflections from the class module. Shortly after that, I messaged two potential peer coaches, and introduced myself to my study group. The whole time I felt vulnerable and exposed. I kept thinking, “Am I doing this right?”

With no clear guidelines as to what to do and how to proceed, this process is a bit scary. However, it is good. I am autonomous. There’s nobody saying how I should do this; I know the requirements; I just need to fulfill them in my way. It’s finding my way that is anxiety inducing.

Venturing into new territory sheds light on so many uncomfortable truths. My inner children are screaming for my attention. I hear them, but I am not quite ready to meet their needs. I’m frozen by fear.

I know I have the tools I need to integrate these parts of myself I had abandoned, or that are trapped in the past due to trauma. I know what to do, but I’m rusty. When I started this journey I delved deep into the recesses of my psyche almost every day, but now, I avoid those unexplored parts of myself. It will be like starting for the first time.

Well, the vacation’s over. Time to get back into the swing of things; time to make my needs a priority. Time to get to work.

It’s a labor of love of course. More to come.

Peace.

Day 319

110 days later…

I’m back after a very long impromptu hiatus. To those of you following this blog, I apologize for my absence. Life just got really busy.

Where to begin? Well, my aunt passed away in November. I went to her memorial service, which was beautiful. It was a family reunion of sorts. My three siblings and I spent some time together after what must have been years. My decision to go to the memorial was a last minute one, but after hearing my mother describe her plans for the ceremony, I knew in my heart that I would regret not being there to see it, so two weeks before the service, I did what I could to be there. It was only for a weekend (I left on Friday night and returned on Monday night). I’m glad I gave myself permission to go back. It strengthened my sense of self-love allowing myself to honor my aunt’s memory with my relatives.

On top of my aunt passing away, my daughter started really struggling in school.  She can’t seem to learn the material, and she has trouble paying attention, staying in her seat, and working with her classmates. My husband and I think she has ADHD, and we’ve had her talk to a counselor, who confirms our suspicion; however our counselor is not qualified to diagnose our daughter in Japan because she was licensed in California. Anyway, we’ve been trying to get her evaluated by someone who is qualified, but up until recently, we were under the impression that the process started with her school making a referral.

After several meetings over the course of three months, I have recently found out that we were wrong about that. In fact the school has no authority in the matter. I wish I had known that weeks ago. I was so frustrated and disheartened by the whole thing. But that’s water under the bridge now.

The experience with my daughter’s school and my aunt’s passing has made it clear to me that I have got to stop talking about change and actually do something. So, I recently enrolled in an online program for coach training. In about a year and a half, I am going to be a certified coach. Not sure what that is going to look like, but I feel that it is a step in the right direction.

On the one hand, I’m excited to try something new and learn new skills that won’t just be valuable for a new career, but also for my own personal growth. On the other hand, I’m terrified that I may have chosen a career that may not support my family. Becoming self-employed is a risk, but then again, so is being employed by a company. Nothing is ever really guaranteed.

It’s hard to believe there are more days behind me than in front of me on this journey of self-love. As I look back, I feel that I have learned a lot about myself and what I want in my life. I’ve given myself permission to be flawed, to listen to my inner voice, and to trust my heart, and to walk my path even when it feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Looking forward, I can see there is still so much I need to learn, but I am optimistic about my future. There are only 46 more days left on this journey, and even if it is just a few lines, I am going to write something on every one of these remaining days.

I’ve just started my coach training, and I have a couple months before I start teaching again. There’s no telling what could happen between now and day 365, but I have a feeling it’s going to be great!