Day 342

Know Thyself

Over the past couple weeks almost everything seems to be pointing to this very important truth. I cannot know what I truly want and what I am meant to be if I look outside of myself to find the answers. More importantly, in order to walk my path, I must be the authority on what to do, how to do it, and why. I must be the empress of my own world with no others above or below me. When it comes to my life, I am the expert. Period.

Reclaiming My Path

I am back on my path. I am all in. I write the rules without apology. I will go where ever my path leads me without regret. I take care of myself, put my needs where they belong no more or less important than those with whom I share this life. I listen to that steadfast confident voice that has always had my best interests at heart. I live my life with dignity, compassion, respect, and unconditional love.

Moving Forward

My life’s plan stretches before me brilliant in its simplicity. I will write and publish books about the things that I feel are important. I will create a forum in which people can connect and practice showing unconditional love, compassion, and validation.I will spread my message for as long and as much as I am granted the energy and the time to do so. I will help those who need me to find their own power so that they can realize their dreams and rediscover their life’s purpose. I will shed light in the dark places in my corner of the world. I will dedicate my life to fulfilling my life’s purpose.

When I Falter

Old habits die hard, but I will always move forward. I will remember that I am human and therefore flawed, and that flaws are beautiful and what allow us to shine and shimmer. I will forgive and move forward knowing I have the keys to meet any challenge put before me.

Compassion. Unconditional love. Validation

I will always show compassion. I will offer unconditional love to all for I recognize and appreciate that we are one and everything else is a grand illusion. I dedicate my life to connecting to all and aligning myself with what I know to be true-we are one.

Hoping all is well with you and yours.

Until next time.

Peace.

Day 196

Love, Compassion, and Validation: A Declaration of My Life’s Purpose

Love

I love. It is as natural and as easy as breathing. I don’t need a reason. Love to me is a life affirming energy that surrounds us. It flows through me and in me. I am uplifted and driven by love.

love

Compassion

I recognize and appreciate the divine in all people. I believe that there is greatness in us all. Although we experience life differently, we all have the tools to find lasting peace and happiness. When I see others struggling, I want them to know that they have the power to turn their suffering into something positive. I want them to remember that pain can be an excellent teacher if we are willing to listen, learn, grow, and expand. I will be present with any and all people suffering, and I will wait quietly gently reminding you that pain is not forever and “This too shall pass.”

compassion

Validation

I believe that everyone matters. Everyone has a place in this vast universe. Our worth does not stem from our intellect, our wealth, or our contribution to human progress. We are worthy because we are; we exist. We are enough.

validation

This is why I am on Earth. I am here to love, to show compassion, and to remind people that they matter.

So, I may not have met you, but I love you. You matter, and I’m happy you are here in this universe with me.

 

 

 

Day 66

Psychological Wounds, Inner Children, and the Beauty of Emotional Pain

Upon reflection of yesterday’s decision made out of anger and a desire to stop the pain of loneliness, I have come to the realization that there might be another way to change my situation besides moving to another building. I asked the question that I probably should have asked before, and that is why do I feel lonely and isolated. Delving deeper into the origins of those feelings brought me to an inner child who was stuck in the past in which she was isolated and alone. Once I paid attention to that inner child, the one who spoke through me in my last post, I realized that the loneliness and isolation that I was feeling the other day had very little to do with my current situation. In retrospect, the feeling of anger born of a sense of powerlessness should have been an indication to me that there was more to the situation than what I was experiencing at the surface. Once again, the strong emotions that I felt were a reflection of my psychological wounds.

Psychological wounds manifest as parts of myself that are stuck in the past because of childhood trauma or self abandonment. They keep me in the past and make it difficult for me to discern what is happening in my current reality. These wounds take the form of inner children who take over in times of stress or distress and make it hard for me to make adult decisions. In the moments where situations arise that evoke emotions that I have suppressed, I am transported back to the past and I become an infant or a small child unable to make sense of the situation, and like an infant or small child, I cry out for attention, love, and comfort.

Seeking those things externally can never meet my needs because it is not the adult L’Shawn who is crying out, it is the inner child, and I am the only one who can sooth my inner children. Knowing this, I realize that in times when I am crying out for attention and significance, it is most likely an inner child calling out for my attention so that I can bring them out of the perpetual pain in which they are trapped and integrate them into my psyche making myself whole one child at a time.

In the past, before I understood what psychological wounds were and how they affected my behavior, I thought that these immature reactions to various upsets in my life were an indication that I was irreparably damaged. This would give rise to feelings of intense shame and despair and I would spiral into a depression that would last anywhere from a few weeks to a month. Believing that my negative emotions were indicative of weakness and imperfection, I would deny my feelings of anger, loneliness, and isolation thereby ignoring my inner children who were in desperate need of my attention. This of course did not resolve the situation, so I was stuck in a cycle of of emotional stability punctuated with bouts of deep depression.

I have known about psychological wounds for about three years now. I learned about them when I was searching for answers to cure my depression. The late Peter K. Gerlach, who passed away recently, posted a series of videos on YouTube. These videos made it possible for me to understand and name the root cause of my immature and unproductive behavior. However, it wasn’t until I started this process of self-love that I have been able to benefit from Gerlach’s lessons. It wasn’t until I was able to give myself permission to feel angry, and lonely that I was able to move past these emotions to their source.

Giving myself permission to feel angry and to react to my feelings of loneliness the other day allowed me to see the truth behind those unpleasant emotions. Once I was able to move through the emotions rather than block or resist them, I could do the shadow work that was necessary to resolve the real issue which was an inner child in need of rescue. Now that she is in a place of love and acceptance, I no longer feel lonely and isolated. I was able to be present for most of the day today. I connected with a number of my colleagues, and I was able to be vulnerable without the fear of being judged or rejected. I was able to be myself, and it was a great feeling.

Having that clarity of mind and being self aware really emphasized the fact that I was not reacting to my work situation at all but rather, my work situation had awoken an inner child which transported me to the past and out of the present. It is through this realization that I have now begun to grasp how the universe teaches us through contrast and reflections. Our outer world is a reflection of our inner world when that inner world is fractured or not integrated. Any time we experience an emotion that is similar to a past unresolved emotion, we are pulled back into the past where the emotion originated. Until the experience tied to that emotion is resolved, it will continue to arise throughout our lives. In other words, we cannot move forward or be fully present if parts of us are trapped in the past.

Today I learned a profound lesson about myself and the nature of psychological pain. It is through our psychological pain that we learn about our wounds. It is through compassion and unconditional love that heal those wounds and reintegrate the parts of us that are trapped in the past. The ability to feel emotional pain is a beautiful and wonderful thing. It is the first step to awareness. Without emotional pain, we cannot heal, we cannot grow, and we cannot move forward. Before I hated being in emotional pain, but now I welcome it because it is an opportunity for growth. It is also an opportunity for empowerment.

Any emotional pain that we feel can be resolved through introspection. This means that the power to heal is squarely in our hands. We all have it within us to heal ourselves; we only need the tools with which to explore our inner world. We are fortunate to live in a time and place where there are so many tools available to help us explore our psyche. Each of us has our own individual paths and we must come to this realization in our own time and on our own terms. Some of us come to this faster than others, and some of us go our whole lives without realizing this. However, when we do reach a point where we realize that the answers are truly on the inside, it is an amazing experience. We are then able to be present and to connect and to really live our lives to their fullest. It is my sincere hope that we all get to experience this at some part in our lives.

So now that I have learned this, I have decided that I do not need to move to the other office. For now, I will stay where I am, and I will learn new things about myself while I’m interacting with my fellow teachers. I will learn how I make connections and how I become part of a group. It will be the first time in a long time that I will have allowed myself to belong. It’s an exciting prospect.

Until next time, I wish you all the very best.

Day 64

On Sadness and Self-acceptance

Until recently, I’ve been critical of feeling sad. I am only now just beginning to accept that sometimes I feel sad. I am used to perceiving my sadness as an indication that there is something really wrong with me, as if I am somehow broken and irreparably damaged. Being sad meant I was weak and vulnerable and unworthy of love. I don’t like being sad, and in the past, whenever I felt even a hint of melancholy, I did my best to talk myself out of it and deny myself the opportunity to feel anything but happy. So although I have committed to being kinder to myself,  it is difficult to suspend judgment when I feel sad, lonely, or isolated.

Today I found myself on several occasions sadly sitting at my desk listening to my colleagues engaged in different conversations some of them work related while others were of a more personal nature. As I sat alone in my cubical, somewhat in my own little world, I tried to practice observing myself feeling a range of unpleasant emotions from sadness to irritation to loneliness. I fought the urge to tell myself that I shouldn’t feel those emotions and that I should think about all of the people in my life who love me. I fought the urge to suppress what I was going through as I listened to all the conversations going on around me. I wanted to escape, but to escape would be to abandon myself. So I sat there experiencing the pain, close to tears at times feeling silly and uncomfortable about feeling isolated and alone.

For the most part, I get along with my colleagues. I have pleasant conversations with them and most of my fellow teachers are warm and welcoming. So when I get this way, I wonder from where the emotions are coming. I observe them and their affect on me as they run through me and I try not to justify them. These unpleasant emotions last for a few minutes and then pass and I realize it is not so bad to feel sad once in a while.

Observing the loneliness and the sadness and accepting myself as I experience the pain of not fitting in, I realize that I love myself a little more deeply having allowed myself to sit with the sadness without rationalizing it away. As I walk home from work, there is a smile on my face not because I talked myself out of an unpleasant emotion, but because I allowed myself to feel the emotion without judgment and with loving compassion.

It is in that moment when I am aware of that acceptance that I begin to cheer up, and I think about days when I will have a deep sense of belonging, and the people surrounding me will want to spend time with me no matter how I feel. Like I am beginning to do for myself, the people who I will attract into my life will be able to sit with me when I am sad, and be okay with that. I think as I begin to give myself unconditional love, I will begin to recognize those who can do the same for me, and from that realization springs a feeling of joy and peace, and a certainty that I’m okay even when I’m feeling sad, lonely, or isolated.

Until next time, I wish you all the best.

Day 58

Inspired. Now, what?

So recently, I’ve been talking about my decision to finally start living my dream, and it’s a wonderful feeling to be following my passion, but I haven’t gotten clear as to where I want to direct my energy. I have lots of ideas, but every time I run them through my mind they dissolve like sugar on the tongue. Each idea like the tiny grains of sugar is sweet, but they lack substance.

I’m starting to narrow down what I would like to do, but I am hung up on the logistics. I tell myself not to worry about the how, just focus on the what and let the universe take care of the how, but I can’t help wanting to take control of that aspect of the plan. I keep overthinking everything. My mind starts to spin, and I feel dizzy just thinking about all the tasks that are ahead of me. It’s a little daunting.

However, I feel certain that this is the path I meant to take. At my core, I can feel the calm serene energy that is driving my decision. I am excited to see how this will unfold. I know that I will be doing something worthwhile and meaningful. I will be able to help many people and I will bring love and compassion to my corner of the world, and the people with whom I come into contact will take it to their corners of the world until eventually there will be little shimmering beacons of light in all the little corners of the world. It’s a wonderful feeling.

So, I know what I need to do. I have a lot of reading and preparing and researching to do before I can come up with a plan, but I’m looking forward to the road ahead. This should be quite a journey.

Until we meet again, I wish you all the very best.