Day 345

Serendipity

Today I offered my services as a coach to a friend. We just happened to run into each other when I was about to leave the office and she had come to return something to our little library. I was happy to see her because I wanted to talk with her about our plans to do piano lessons. She’s an accomplished pianist and we had been talking about the idea of doing lessons since last September. We had just finished talking about arranging some sort of an exchange for the piano lessons when she got really quiet and the expression on her face changed. She seemed to be sad. Then she told me that she told me she had made a decision that would change her life. Listening to her, I had the sense that she was unclear on what her next step would be, so I offered my services as a coach. She responded favorably to the idea and we agreed to talk about it more the next time we met.

It was an interesting experience. I felt good about it because I trusted my instinct. I was confident, sincere, and honest about the fact that I was still learning how to be a coach, and as I spoke, I felt grounded and certain that being a coach is something I really want to do. Before this incident, I wondered if I would be embarrassed about my new profession, but now I realize that I am quite proud of it. It fits me to a T, and I am looking forward to being a full time coach some day soon.Today felt very much like I was walking my path, and it felt fantastic.

My friend may not take me up on my offer, but I’m just happy I was self-confidence enough to offer my services. It made me realize that I can do this, and I am excited about this next step in my journey.

Until next time.

Peace

Days 323 and 324

Moments of Clarity

I’ve had two wonderful days that have served as reminders of my own brilliance. By brilliance I mean that part of me, which I believe all beings on Earth possess, that is connected to Source energy and that manifests as the steady, calm, confident voice of my true Self. She spoke often over the past couple days, and I listened, and I feel as if I am getting closer to believing her.

Yesterday was day two of the two-day English camp at which I taught. On that day, the students interviewed us teachers. The students were separated into groups of seven or eight, and each teacher was assigned to a different group. The students took turns asking the teachers questions about themselves and their countries. One of the students in my group asked me, “Do you have a dream?”, and it was as if a switch turned on in my head. With absolutely conviction I said, “I want to write lots of books that help people achieve their dreams, and I want to travel around the world teaching people how to make their lives better.” It felt as if it was completely out of the blue, I hadn’t fully articulated my dream before that moment, but when I spoke I knew it was exactly what I was meant to do. All of my soul searching had led me to that point of crystal clarity which allowed me to answer the question, “Do you have a dream?”

I was filled with gratitude for the opportunity that moment gave me to articulate exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I was filled with a sense of purpose and unwavering confidence that I was on the right track. I felt excited and determined, and uplifted. I felt like I was in total alignment with my life’s purpose, and it felt fantastic.

I know it was my true Self speaking when I answered the student’s question, and I wanted to have that feeling of clarity and self-assurance a little longer. However, I haven’t gotten there yet. Luckily,I experienced it again during a coaching session I had this evening. She spoke again with clarity and conviction reminding me of who I am and of my purpose. Again, I reiterated my desire to write and to tour the world spreading my message of unconditional love, compassion, and validation. When I declared my life’s purpose again, I felt empowered and certain that I could make my dream a reality, or rather it was the knowledge that my dream was not a dream but a glimpse of who I am, and the promise of coming to terms with that, accepting that, and owning that.

So, who am I? I’m L’Shawn-a work in progress with the promise of brilliance.

May you find that brilliance and hold on to it.

More to come.

Peace.

Day 16 12:17AM

Delving Into the Shadows Letting in the Light

Life on the other side is sublime. Having delved into the shadows where my disregarded and abandoned emotions dwell ever waiting to return to the source and to integrate to bring back pieces of my truth, I have discovered an over flowing eternal fount of light so brilliant it outshines the sun. Words cannot describe the changes that I have gone through internally since I began shadow work and the 365 Days of Self Love process created by Teal Swan.

I have had moments of bliss before, but they have been short lived, and although it has only been a little over two weeks since I began this little experiment, this time feels different. I am different. I speak with a clearer more confident air. When I need something, I do what I can to graciously get by needs met. No longer do I worry about inconveniencing others. No longer do I hesitate to listen to that still small voice directing me on my path.

Today’s shadow work was wonderful. I started out focusing on the process rather than on the goal. I focused on things I was hearing, feeling, and smelling in the present. As I did this, I started feeling anxious, or antsy. I stayed in this emotion, experiencing the feeling of being pulled by the fear that I was missing something really important and a feeling of being powerless to do anything about it.

After a time, a traced the emotion back to its origin. I had been a young elementary student probably seven or eight and I had missed the bus. I was sitting at the bus stop dreading having to go home and call my mother and tell her. I was also apprehensive about arriving to class late, and diminished by the idea of being humiliated in front of my peers. I was stuck and unable to move too frightened to face the consequences.

My adult self approached my inner child, and told her that she was in complete control of her situation. I explained to her that she had the power to create the life she wanted; she had only to believe in her ability and do what needed to be done to make it happen, and I told her that she could make it happen. I felt my inner child accept this and felt myself changing a fundamental core belief which was:

I have no control over my situation and that things happen to me. I am a passenger in life and when things go right I’m lucky and when things go wrong it’s because I’m a bad person.

This was instantly changed to:

I am in complete control of my life. I have the ability and the power to create the life that I want to have. I can make things happen in my life. I only have to do what needs to be done and trust myself and pay attention to my emotions to make the necessary decisions and actions to meet my needs and realize my desires. I can navigate any situation and meet any challenge that comes my way for I have the tools I need to ask for help and think critically.

The day that emerged after this change in my core belief was nothing short of amazing. I got everything I needed to get done, and was able to do some things I had wanted to do for some time now, and along the way, magic happened.

Closing a bank account I had opened seven months ago in order to pay for my daughter’s kindergarten tuition, I was happy to discover a lot more money than I had thought was in there. The amount was enough to allow me to put aside extra money for savings and buy some fabulous clothes to help me look fantastic this semester.

I went to the big city and heard a local artist playing pleasantly melodic music on his electric violin. I bought his CD happy to have the chance to support a local artist. On the train, an elderly woman engage me in conversation, something very rare in Japan where people don’t speak to strangers as a rule.

At work, I opened my email to find correspondences regarding plans that had been put on hold for several days that were giving the green light to go ahead just in time. Arriving home from work and round two of a five step root canal, I came home to some confusion that arose around my daughter’s elementary school.

My husband and I have enough Japanese to carrying on light conversation, but not enough to read or to understand technical matters or things like my daughter’s elementary school schedule and the expectations the school has of us not to mention the reams of paper work we have to fill out. It was her second day, and we were facing some pretty big challenges that we could not overcome on our own.

Less than half an hour after getting home and in the midst of talking to my husband about this mess we were in there was a knock at my door. Our neighbor who lives upstairs and who speaks fluent English caught wind of our predicament. She came over to help us out. She went through the paperwork and explained everything we needed to do. This woman does not have children elementary school now, so I have no idea how she knew what was going on, but she looked like an angel to me as she explained all of our paperwork.

A fellow blogger has a blog called The Trail Provides. I couldn’t help thinking about her About page where she talked about finding something she needed on the trail during a hiking trip. Today the trail provided in abundance and I was overcome with gratitude for all that I have and all that I am capable of. I am grateful for all the people who reached out to me today, and who have reached out to me in the past.

I have experienced wonderful things in these last couple weeks, and this is just the beginning. The book I ordered by Teal Swan arrived today! It should give me a lot of tips and new tools for my toolbox of self-love and empowerment. I anticipate wonderful things to come.

I wish you all the wonderful things that are well within your reach. May you find all that you seek and more than you could ever have imagined.

Day 5 7:10 PM

 

Today’s shadow work lead to a change in one of my most fundamental core beliefs.

However, this morning when I finished the shadow work, I didn’t feel changed, or moved, or anything spectacular considering what I realized, but now as I write this, I know how I changed and I am excited to discover what will come.

Pealing Away the Layers to find Source

The shadow work started the same as always, with my asking the typical questions and repeating the mantra “I’m completely here with you now.” The thought that I was worthless resurfaced and the tears came again.

I traced the thought that I was worthless to the emotion behind it to find sadness. I was getting ready to ask when I last felt this way, when I paused. I felt as if something was behind the emotion sadness. Sadness was a result of feeling worthless, but what was the cause of feeling worthless?

Contempt. The emotion was just below, lurking in the shadows. I recoiled because this is the one emotion I will not allow myself to feel, but I stopped myself, and I said, “I am completely here with you now.” I let myself feel the contempt. As I allowed myself to become familiar with this dark and menacing emotion, the right side of my mouth twitched and rose up at the corner in a pronounced sneer.

I followed this emotion to a memory in my childhood. I was rummaging around our living room closet looking for a hanger with which my mother would swat my hand. It was my punishment for something I had done. Naturally, I chose the softest hanger I could find. It was a cloth hanger that was used for baby’s clothes.

Of course when I handed it to my mother, she was not amused and sent me to get another more suitable hanger. Reluctantly, I did so. When my mother was about to swat my hand, I moved it. She yelled at me to hold my hand still. Again I moved my hand, and the hanger came down on the tips of my finger sending shooting, tingling pain up my fingers. Again, I had to hold my hand out. The hanger hit the mark, and I went away with a sore hand and contempt for my mother. It was the first time I had felt anything but fear or love for her, and it scared me.

My adult self went to my inner child, and explained to her that it was perfectly natural for her to feel contempt for someone who was supposed to protect and love her but did the opposite instead. I explained that it was her realizing that our mother had no right to hurt and humiliate us. I told her I was proud of her for taking care of herself by choosing a soft hanger and moving her hand out of harms way. I then took the child to our mother.

I confronted our mother telling her she had no right to hurt her child. I told her that her children are precious and wonderful beings whose psyches should be protected not destroyed. I then took the child away from my mother. As I left, my mother’s face fell. She reached out in pain and said, “Where are you taking my baby?” I did not answer her, but took my inner child out of the room slamming the door on my mother’s face.

I then took the child to a place where she was surrounded by love, warmth and light. I told her that she would never be harmed again, and that the people there would always love and protect her. I told her, “You are worthy of love because you are you. You don’t need to earn love because it is yours. Always remember that.”

I opened my eyes. I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t overcome with joy or gratitude. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t trust the work. Regardless, I opened my journal and wrote down what I had experienced, and then began to write about my doubts about whether or not the experience was real or just contrived. A voice insisted that it was real and that I should trust the process. I then switched from my dominate hand to my right one and began writing the following message:

Trust yourself. You integrated and thereby changed a core belief. This belief is now and forever: I am worthy of love because I am Source. I am Source. I am me. I am love.

There wasn’t any thing left to write, so I closed the notebook and went about my day wondering if anything had changed. I didn’t feel different, just calmer. I also noticed that I was less quick tempered. I played with my daughter, and I didn’t feel annoyed or bored like I usually did. Everything was just easier.

It wasn’t until I got to my office that I noticed the change. Normally when I go to the office, I feel awkward, but not today. Even after being away for seven months on maternity leave, I felt comfortable for the first time. I was confident and I didn’t mind when I made mistakes. I could ask for what I needed and I didn’t feel the need to apologize for existing. I was me, but with self-confidence, and self-esteem. It was a great feeling.

Final Thoughts

I’d like to thank those of you who have started to follow and who have liked posts on my blog. I have visited your blogs/websites and I think you all have wonderful things to say and to contribute to the world. I look forward to learning more about you, and I hope you will stop by when you can and leave a comment. It’s great to know you.